A Special Kind of Torture
by Alice laughed
Summary: This is a companion to Dear Diary.  Short drabbles of Quil's point of view from certain points in the story.  Now Complete
1. Chapter 1

_This is the interlude chapter from Dear Diary, and will begin our snippets with Quil. I'm reposting it here for convenience sake._

_I hope to have more of Quil up soon, but I'm having trouble getting this site to accept new documents._

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She is my light and my joy. Everything that ties me to the world is wrapped up in her. Her laughter is a balm that can soothe any pain; her tears can shred my soul. My only purpose is to be what she needs, however she needs me.

That is how I've always felt, from the moment I saw her. The pack understood. How could they not when we share the same mind so much of the time? They could see for themselves that this was no romantic love. Jacob said that it's like gravity. I guess that's as close as any explanation could get.

For the longest time my love for her was pure and untainted by desire. Her dimpled smile was enough of a reward for any action, and I wanted nothing more from her than to be allowed to be around her and cherish her.

Now though... Now it's different. Of course I noticed her growing and changing. Subconsciously I was constantly adjusting myself to fit her needs - to care for her, be her brother, her friend, her confidant. I know that deep inside I hoped that one day, when she was fully grown, that she might choose to accept me as her partner, as her lover. In the future, not now. Now she is innocent. I try to pretend and fool myself into thinking that nothing has changed, and she still sees me as the goofy guy who will do nearly anything to make her laugh. But it's not working.

I know just when it changed for me - when I couldn't ignore it anymore. We were in the living room, rolling around on the floor because I'd made some teasing comment. I remember feeling mildly surprised at the look that crossed her face before she broke into a wicked grin and launched herself at me, promising revenge. I put up a good fake fight, but eventually let her win. It was no fun if I won all the time. And as she straddled me, poking me and calling me a sissy, it hit me and all the air was sucked out of the room.

I wanted her. Desperately. I wanted to keep her there, right where she was, her body on mine. So I did the only thing I could do: I put her off me and left as soon as I reasonably could after that, and I ran. I phased and I ran, my paws pounding the ground as I tried to pound the longing out of my heart.

The pack knew immediately, of course. As soon as my mind joined theirs they knew it all. We have no secrets, no matter how much we might want to. They saw my shame, but they didn't judge me. They couldn't, not when they saw the compulsion that drove me. It's inescapable, not that I would want to change it if I could. She has been a part of me for far too long for me to even consider changing it now.

I stayed away, knowing it was hurting her for me to be gone, but I couldn't face her. I had to gain control of my emotions so I could be around her and touch her without losing myself and doing or saying something I would regret. She is still a child, even if her body looks more womanly every day. I could not risk hurting her like that.

And now... now she's crying and telling me that I'm driving her crazy. And Emily is telling me that she's falling in love with me. But she's too young! She's only just turned 14. As much as I want her I can't expose her to the scorn that society would heap upon us if I let myself love her now. I want that more than anything, but I have no choice but to wait.

It's a special kind of torture, being around someone like that. Limiting your touches to friendly gestures while the fantasies run wild in your head. It's a torture I will gladly undergo for her sake.

I will tell her what I am. I used to fear that telling her would send her running for the hills. I've put it off for nearly two years now, stealing what time I can with her. Emily assures me that knowing will bring her relief. I hope she's right, because I can't avoid it any longer.


	2. Telling Claire

Telling Claire my secret was one of the most petrifying and exhilarating experiences of my life.

I knew there was no going back that evening when I picked her up. I'd spent the entire day with her the day before, with her family at Thanksgiving. She was dull and listless, her eyes flat, and her normally shiny hair lying lank and lifeless against her neck. I had done this to her. She was doubting her own sanity because of my selfishness. She spent hours crying over it. It was affecting her sleep, her friendships, her schooling. And I had left her alone and floundering while I worked out my own fears and made the plans to call the pack together. I hated myself for doing this to her.

I watched her carefully all evening, trying to gauge the reaction in her eyes as she met my brothers and listened to Billy tell the stories. Our histories. I kicked myself when I saw her smile and laugh, realizing that it had been ages since I'd seen her do that. I put her through so much, for no good reason other than my fear that she would want nothing to do with me once she knew what I am.

Because it's not only what I am, it's my connection to her. What ties me to her. Would she see it as a kind of magic, or as a sick and twisted bond to be broken no matter what the cost? Those years of living in her presence were all that I wanted from her. Now that I want more, the thought of never being able to touch and hold her is nearly enough to destroy me.

She sat there after everyone left, waiting for me to talk. The firelight flickered across her face, but even it its dim light I could see the pain and longing there. For what, I'm not sure. But she was still hurting, and I was the only one who could put an end to it.

I told her the truth of the histories, our pack, myself and my role in the last story. I stared into the fire as I spoke, because I couldn't bring myself to look into her face as I said the words that might make her fear me and want me to leave her forever. I finished talking and bowed my head, waiting and hoping that I hadn't destroyed what we had.

I could barely believe my ears when I heard her laughter. I looked over at her, and the relief and joy on her face pierced right through me, and I began to laugh with her. I was helpless to do anything but enjoy her at that moment as she laughed with her head thrown back and the breeze playing in her hair. She was the most precious; the most beautiful thing in the world and I would do anything for her.

My heart stuttered when she put her small hand on my arm as I got up to put out the fire, and she asked the question that I had not yet answered. Of course she would ask. And I owed her the truth. I had made a mistake in keeping my secret from her for so long, and I would not do that to her again.

I dropped my head into my hands as I thought of how to answer her. Could she understand how deeply I love her, how fundamentally I am tied to her, how she is not only my life - she is my reason to be? I tried to explain it in terms of relationships that she could understand, even though they fell far short of the truth.

When she spoke those words in her quiet, trembling voice - asking if I would ever be her boyfriend - I fought to keep from pulling her into my arms. Conventional rules aside, it would be too much, too soon. She is so young, and no matter how much I want her now, she needs the time to grow into her own person. I will not give in to my own desires at her cost.

She is my life. I will wait for her.


	3. Complete Acceptance

I will never cease to be surprised by the person that Claire is turning out to be. She has once again become the bright spark that gives light to my days, and I know now that keeping my secret from her for so long was a grave mistake. I should have known her and trusted her enough to tell her when she first asked so long ago. But that is done. Now she knows, and I can once again enjoy her company and her quirky sense of humor.

And she has such a quirky sense of humor. Case in point: when I called her attention to her wolf necklace that I gave her the year she asked for a puppy. Something about that set her off laughing so hard, I thought she might never take a solid breath again. Her laughter was the sweetest music on earth. I could only sit and drink in her beauty, marveling at the unencumbered delight that washed across her face. When she finally calmed enough to tell me that she had had a great big puppy all the time -me! Well I don't believe I have ever laughed so hard in my life. Her complete lack of judgment; her simple acceptance of me and what I was... I wanted to sweep her up and cover her with kisses, but I could not. And so I laughed.

Her acceptance seems to know no bounds. I promised to show myself to her as a wolf, and late Christmas night I did just that. I came out of the forest slowly, afraid that she might run just from the shock, but she only looked at me in wonder. And then she did something I did not expect her to do. She approached me, looked into my eyes, and she smiled. Not only that, she reached out and began to caress my ear so gently, so lovingly, that I was nearly undone. Claire, so small and delicate, caused a werewolf to tremble.

She amazes me. At times she will do or say something, and all I can do is stop and stare at her. I know that if I moved on my instincts at those moments I would fall at her feet and pledge myself to her, but she is only just 14. So I embrace her with my eyes, and try to let that be enough for now.

I did give in, once so far. I couldn't stop myself from stealing a kiss from her at midnight on New Year's Eve. I had not planned on it, as her parents were home with us that evening. But as midnight approached I found that we were alone. I tried to content myself with watching her as she watched the ball drop on the TV, but then she turned to me and I was ensnared. I couldn't help but to reach out and touch her cheek with my hand.

Her skin was the softest silk, and I was caught in a dream as I moved slowly to her and brushed my lips so briefly against hers. I had to tear myself away to keep from taking more. Her voice trembled once again as she confessed to me that it had been her first kiss, and I fought down the possessive joy at being the first man to touch her in that way. She is so innocent, and her taste is so pure, that I can't allow myself to do that too often or I will surely lose control.

I can hug her while longing for more. I can do this for her. She is worth such sweet torture.


	4. Aroma

I keep telling myself that I'm being purposely unobservant in regards to things about Claire as a defensive mechanism. That worked for a long time, but now that she's getting older I'm going to have to rethink that plan.

I did notice her changing body, but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it at all, telling myself that if I didn't pay any attention to it then I could keep on the same as I always had with her. That ended up falling to pieces the time when I found myself underneath her as she straddled me, and I had to leave her and run for days. I should have learned from that lesson. I did learn somewhat, as I didn't have to leave and run for days, but now I know that I need to just allow myself to think of how she's changing and growing or I will get myself in a situation where I snap and hurt her.

I knew she smelled different. I noticed it here and there, but I didn't let myself think about it. All through her childhood she had a clear bright scent, the closest thing I can think of for it would be cinnamon. Her scent was friendly, and as blameless as the child she was. And now... _Oh now_... She is tantalizing.

Puberty changes more than I thought it did. Her bright cinnamon scent is still there, but now mixed in with it is a dusky, warm fragrance that makes me think of incense from the far east. It's intoxicating. I can't escape it, and I don't want to.

It hit me suddenly as we were running after she was done with school on Feb 14th. Valentine's Day. Did Cupid have anything to do with it? Perhaps he did. She had given me a Valentine when I got to her house, a beautiful little picture that she had painted of a wolf on the cliff. It was just one more example of how much she accepted me totally for who I was, and I admitted to her that I was the one leaving gifts for her on her porch these last few years.

We left the house, running along our usual long loop. I wasn't surprised when it began to rain halfway through our loop, but it had smelled like rain all day. We continued on and I inhaled deeply to enjoy the scent, and was hit by her fragrance. It was more intense in the rain, and I was suddenly filled with longing that I had not felt in quite some time. I pushed the feelings down and we kept moving when the skies opened up on us and the temperature dropped.

We kept running, but her pace was slowing and I noticed tears mingling with the rain drops on her cheeks. She was trembling with the cold, and I once again had to struggle with myself - with my needs to keep her whole and well, and my desire for her as a lover. I quickly reached out to put her on my back, bracing myself as her smell enveloped me. I was unprepared for her to press her face into my neck. The feel of her lips on my bare flesh set me afire, and I swore as I began to run even faster.

I didn't dare stop when we reached her house but went right in, shoving her into the bathroom so she could shower and warm herself before I did the unthinkable. I left as quickly as I could and stood in the freezing rain to calm myself until I could go back to her.

She was exquisite, sitting in her kitchen waiting with mugs of hot chocolate. She was the picture of innocense, asking so sweetly for a kiss for Valentine's Day - a special occasion she called it. Of course I smiled and complied. My own desires are contemptible and base when compared to hers. She is my Claire, and I love her. Her wish is my command.


	5. Happiness

Claire brings so much laughter and love to my life, I spend my time trying to find ways to brighten hers. Most of the time, it is so easy to make her happy.

She loves fireworks, so I make it a point to take her every year. I love to watch her face. Her simple enjoyment as the colors wash over her is more spectacular than any fireworks display could ever be. This year, the wind was in her hair, sending her fragrance washing over me, and when she turned to look at me there was no stopping myself from brushing it out of her face and stealing another brief kiss. Her lips were so sweet, and her quick intake of breath as I leaned towards her nearly stole my soul away. Afterwards, her blush as she stared at her hands and her small smile were more beautiful than anything I could imagine. I caused it. I made her happy. It was everything.

Little things like that were enough. Taking her to the drive in movie theater, cheering her on at her cross country meets, watching her blossom into herself as she creates her own space in high school, all of these things make my heart sing as I watch her grow.

She had a bonfire for her 15th birthday. It was amazing to me, the way she mingled the members of the pack with her friends from high school. She made it easy and effortless. I couldn't help watching her move: the way her hair fell over her face as she leaned to talk to her friends, the way the eyes of the boys followed her as she made her way around the circle. She is completely unaware of the hold she has over the males in her life - of the hold she has over me. She has no idea that a flick of her finger could send us all tumbling over the edge of reason.

And she sent me over the edge. I go, oh so willingly I go. After her party was over and we'd cleaned up the mess left behind, I wanted to walk with her. I'd had to share her company all evening, and I wanted some time with her to myself. Her hand fit so perfectly in mine. Of course it did, I was made for her. We turned, and a small tug brought her into my arms where I kissed her. But this one was not stolen. This one, she came to meet me. The ones I had stolen in the past were tender, and made me long for more. This one woke more of the desire that I must continuously push down. Fifteen is older, but she is not yet a woman.

I had to talk with her about that. We discussed things thoroughly. She was so deliciously charming, asking for more kisses. Her reasoning was sound when she asked if I would kiss her more if the gap between our ages wasn't so large. I wanted to steal her away then and there. If only it were that simple.

But it is not hard to comply. I do love to kiss her, to feel her lips on mine. I will use what reasons I can, and she seems willing to provide me with excuses. Christmas, New Years, a movie night (not a date, we have agreed), Valentine's Day... any and all of the above will do.

Oh yes, I love to kiss her. The hard part, the worst part, is having to stop there.


	6. A ride

I am a boyfriend.

It's strange to think of it. You would think a simple choice of words would not be able to change my entire outlook on life, and yet that particular word has more meaning than any other. Claire came to me with the news that several boys in her school were asking her out on dates. This was one of the things I've been fearing for so long. She's so incredible, and I've seen how they watch her and notice her. It was only a matter of time before they started lining up. The thought of her with anyone else - kissing anyone else - chilled my heart. But she looked insulted when I asked her if she would date any of them, telling me that she already had a man in her life and smiling coyly at me. The sudden chill that had wrapped around me burst into flames at that smile.

I couldn't help worrying though. She is bypassing some of the usual rites of adolescence by being with me. She laughed when I said that, asking me what kind of normal adolescence I had when I was turning into a werewolf right and left. And once again her reasoning was flawless. I am continuously astounded at her ability to put things in perspective for me.

She was surprised to hear me tell her I love her. Haven't I told her before? I know I have. I try to tell her in my every thought and action. Her surprise made me realize that I need to tell her more. Say it more. Let her know how completely and totally I love her. Which brings me to her 16th birthday.

16 is a monumental age for some reason. Innocence begins to fall away as you begin to shoulder some of the responsibilities and reap some of the benefits of adulthood. I wanted Claire to know how much I love her, how important she is to me, and let her in to my world a little bit more to mark this occasion for both of us.

I talked with Emily about it, and she cleared the way for me to take Claire out late at night, so she could experience a little bit of my wolf side. She had decided to have her birthday at home, which made setting up the surprise easier than if I had to wait for stragglers to leave any party she would have had. Of course, it made it harder too since she was able to question me all evening as to the nature of my present for her. It was fun to listen to her guessing what I might have in store for her, and I enjoyed dragging out the surprise for as long as possible.

Her expression was priceless when she saw me coming out of the woods in my wolf form. Not a trace of fear crossed her features. She laughed and clapped her hands as she skipped towards me as if she'd been waiting for me her whole life instead of the other way around. She climbed onto my back without hesitation, and the feel of her body on mine was staggering as she gripped me with her legs and hands. I always enjoyed running as a wolf, but having Claire with me intensified the experience beyond anything I'd ever felt before. Her laughter washed over me as I ran through all of my favorite places, our way lit only by starlight. We were together in a way that would have been impossible if we were both human, connected in a way that can't be compared to anything else.

I wanted to run with her for forever, but she began to tire so I took her home. She was so peaceful, lying in her yard waiting for me to get back, that I lifted her into my arms and cradled her to my chest. Her soft sigh as she snuggled in to me was intoxicating, and I stood there in her yard after she fell asleep in my arms wishing I would never have to put her down.

It was a night that I will never forget.


	7. Ice storm

There are times when sanity is overrated. When reason and logic have to let go of their place in the world and let chaos take over for a while. And no matter how I try to fight it at first, I find myself giving in willingly when that chaos and lack of sanity involves Claire.

I woke up to the sound of rain and ice tinking on the windows, and immediately thought of Claire making her way home on the icy roads. I ran by her school to see her home, but they had sent all of the students home at the beginning of the day in anticipation of the storm. The cold had been so severe, they wanted to make sure everyone was safely home in case the weather caused as many problems as they feared it might.

I made my way to her house just as the power began to fail, so I started bringing wood to their porch in anticipation of the long night ahead. The house was hit by one branch, but her father and I couldn't find any others that posed a danger. I got myself ready to go home, but Claire and her parents insisted that I stay with them for the duration. I said goodbye to a little bit of my sanity right then, as I prepared myself to spend the night near the one person that I needed to have with me every night.

She was beauty personified in the candlelight. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. The soft light brought out the darkness of her eyes, and I couldn't look into them for too long for fear of falling in and never coming back out again. We played games by the fire, and she laughed a lot. She was so careless and free, curled up like a cat next to the fire, teasing as she read questions from her favorite games. And more of my reason crept away.

It wasn't late when we brought out the mattresses for bed. She insisted on taking the couch, saying I was too big to sleep on it comfortably. I insisted that her parents have their mattress nearer to the fire where it was warmer since I was warm enough on my own. I brought my mattress next to the couch. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, and I wanted to be near her.

She wasn't tired either, and as we talked over silly and inconsequential things I was reminded of how I used to read her bedtime stories when she was a child. She seemed anything but a child now, the tales of gnomes and fairies in the forest more than just a few years away. Her parents were already sleeping when I told her that she should try to sleep as well, and she turned to make herself comfortable.

She tossed and turned, grumbling to herself until I asked her if I could do anything. She said that she wasn't very warm, so I went to put more wood on the fire, but she stopped me saying that it would make her parents too hot. I didn't stop to think as I pulled her next to me, thinking she could warm herself and then I would return her to the couch once she was asleep. But I couldn't let her go.

She fell asleep nearly immediately, but I couldn't put her back on the couch. I told myself that she would only get cold again if I put her from me. In truth, I finally had her in my arms. I would be a fool to let her go.

She woke after only a few hours. I noticed she was sweating, and I feared she would move back to the couch to escape my body heat. My heart swelled when she sat up to remove her sweat shirt and lay back down with her head on my arm. And then she turned to me and I fell.

I was in a dream as I traced her face with my fingers: her deep eyes; her fine straight nose; her high cheekbones, finally released from the roundness of childhood; her chin; and her velvety lips. The firelight revealed her, throwing her curves in sharp relief, and I could no longer deny that she had grown into a woman's body. I leaned to kiss her, and as my lips touched hers her hands stole up to caress my neck, finally settling on my collar. She moved closer, and when her breasts pressed against me I lost the rest of the small bit of sanity I had left, and I kissed her. _Oh did I kiss her_.

I kissed her in ways I'd been dreaming of kissing her. Tasting her, and feeling her with my lips and tongue. Drinking in her sweet fragrance as I'd only imagined doing before. I pulled her closer, wanting to feel her body against mine, forgetting where we were and any reason we'd have to stop. She moaned quietly into my mouth, snapping me to my senses, and I left before I could lose myself in her again.

She followed me. Yanking her sweatshirt over her head, she came barreling through the blanket that separated the hallway from the living room after me. I could only say her name, and she whispered mine back to me. I tried to tell her that we couldn't do this, that she was too young, that it was too soon, that I wouldn't be able to stop, that I never wanted to stop, but the words wouldn't come out right. And then she was stalking toward me, saying that she didn't care, and the fiery passion in her eyes smacked the sanity out of my head once again when she grabbed me and kissed me with such force that I have no idea how I didn't fall to my knees.

And I lost myself again, willingly I drowned myself in her. A sharp pop from the fire brought us back to Earth, and I could only laugh shakily with her at what had just happened. We returned to the mattress in the living room, and as she curled into me and slept again I could only think of one thing.

There's no going back now. I could never go back, and I don't want to.


	8. Waiting

I've been waiting for Claire to grow up for so long, it's felt like an eternity. I know that she's not fully grown yet, and I have to wait more, but now the waiting is peppered with these small moments that make all of the waiting worth while.

I could hold her forever and not let her go, tickling her face and marveling at her beauty, kissing her and loving her as much as I can. She's happy now. Nearly as happy as I am with our new closeness. I want to kiss her more, to touch her more, but this is as much as I can do until she's 18 years old. That was the order that Sam put down when she was only 2 years old, and I agreed to it readily.

I love to kiss her. I love to kiss her slowly and gently, to feel her lips on mine, to touch her face and feel her breath on me, to taste her sweetness. I revel in her. I am not ashamed to use any excuse. St. Patrick's Day, April Fool's - oh how she toyed with me that day, Earth Day, May Day... the calendar is full of those little holidays that are usually ignored. May 14th is National Dance Like a Chicken Day. They fit my purpose, to kiss her even as she tempts me for more.

I had no idea what a temptress she would be at the age of 16.

Even if I had known, I doubt I would have changed my mind at that point. I was still so caught up in the idea of being imprinted to a toddler, I couldn't have imagined her at this age. I couldn't have imagined her as a woman. If I had...

For instance: Claire in a bathing suit. Seeing Claire in a bathing suit these past couple of years has always been mildly frustrating, but manageable. This year... Oh this year she got herself a two piece suit. Claire walking around in a two piece bathing suit should be illegal. I had to touch her, couldn't not touch her. Not the way I wanted to touch her, but I contented myself with walking my fingers along the line between her smooth red suit and her soft brown skin. She called me a tease. She has no idea what she does to me on a daily basis. How much I wish I could just lose control.

It's getting harder. Even with that overloud conscience screaming in my head - planted there thanks to Sam's order so long ago. It's getting harder to walk away from her when every part of me wants nothing more than to be with her. It's more than a want. It's a desire so deep that I feel it every second that I'm not with her.

I took her for a ride again. The way that she wrapped her arms and legs around me - it nearly felt like she was a part of me. I love that feeling. I could stay like that forever. When I brought her home, she was trembling. I carried her to her room, and she kissed me, and it was... there aren't words.

Maybe it was the ride. Maybe the closeness that we shared being together like that led to everything else. It was that need and want, that desire and passion, that complete desperation that made me kiss her like that. She thought I was leaving. I could never leave. I didn't want to leave her room. I wanted her, right then and there, and I was only able to leave when my conscience was bordering on physical pain.

She still has two years of school ahead of her. I need to learn more patience. I need to learn the art of waiting. And... I need to take more cold showers.


	9. Fighting

AN: Italics aren't working again.

* * *

I love her. I love everything about her. I love the way her mind works and the way she talks. I love the way she walks across a room and the way she wrinkles her nose when she's thinking really hard about something. I'm in so deep, there's no possible way out - not that I would ever, could ever, want out.

Her beauty stuns me when she's mad at me. Her lips push up in that delectable pout. Her eyes snap and sparkle in her intensity. She puts that hand on her hip and her breasts push out just so... I nearly find myself forgetting whatever it was that made her mad and just drowning in her perfection. But that's for the petty little misunderstandings. Fighting with her for real is horrible.

She dropped her trig class, swapping it for stats. She underestimates herself, thinking that she's not as smart as she is. She gives me all the credit for her grades, isn't that funny? She thinks the study cards I make actually do something for her. Little does she know, they're for me, so I can keep myself from distracting her when she needs to study most. I was angry at her for dropping the class, but she was right: it's not my place to make those decisions for her. I'm supposed to support her in whatever she chooses to do with her life.

I should have remembered that when she told me of her most recent plan - to finish high school early. When she first brought up the idea, I will admit I didn't think of her at all at first. I was focused on myself, on the icy fear that gripped my heart at the thought of 4 years of her being away. I couldn't imagine that starting a year sooner than it should. I wasn't ready to let her go off to college. I'd seen her watching her friend Sharon going through the turmoil of being away from her boyfriend for the school year, and the last thing I'd imagined is that she would want to rush into that kind of situation herself. I was shattered to think that maybe I wasn't as important to her as she is to me. That maybe she would want to date others while she was away. That she would fall in love with someone else, and I would never be able to be with her in the way that I desire more than anything else.

But then she said that she didn't want to go to college. She doesn't realize her own potential. She doesn't see how completely amazing she is. I couldn't find a way to tell her, only mumbling something about college and trig class not being the same thing. I didn't have what it took to argue with her in that moment. I could only watch her - she was so beautifully furious - and try to feel outraged that she would sell herself short instead of elated that she wanted to stay here in La Push. I could only watch as she stormed off.

I stayed away from her for a couple of days, afraid that if I came near her that I would selfishly say something to make her want to stay in La Push even more. If she didn't want to go to college right away, that was fine. I know she'll go some day. She has too much to offer the world. But it needed to be her decision. It didn't need to be about me.

But it was, and it is, and I don't care. She wants to be with me. I don't care if I'm the only reason that she wants to stay. She wants to stay. Here. With me.

I asked her what she wanted to do with her life if she wasn't going to college, and she stood up in that too bright kitchen, so deliciously enraged, and said that she wanted to be with me. I was stunned. Everything I hoped for, everything I needed and wanted, she was granting.

I followed her as she stalked outside. I asked her if she really meant it. She was so embarrassed as she murmurred something about leaving out the romance, as if I needed that. I couln't help myself and began to ravish her face and neck. I needed to taste her and feel her skin beneath my lips. I couldn't stop myself from thinking those thoughts again, and pulling her close to feel her against me. Knowing that she wanted me as a solid part of her future... that she would be mine... it was everything.

I'm going to have to go buy a ring.


	10. Wanting

I can't help thinking about Claire. All the time. And I think about her... and then I start _thinking_ about her...

I'm surely hellbound for the thoughts I've been thinking. Of her body and the things I want to do with it. Of the things I want her body to do to mine.

I've taken to finding a song and singing it over and over when it's my turn to patrol just to keep from thinking about it then. It drives them crazy, but it's better than what they _could_ be hearing. They don't need to hear that. Sam especially doesn't need to know what I would be up to with his beloved niece if I had my way about things.

I can't help it. She's just so... so incredibly _erotic_. Every line of her body, the curve of her lips, her eyes... so deep I could fall into them forever. The way she moves. The way her hair shines all the way to her waist. It's like a blanket. A soft, sinful, satiny blanket. I could wrap myself in that blanket and never come out.

I asked her to marry me on New Years. That was a surreal experience. I know she's only 17, but I'm beyond caring. I need her. I need her to be mine. She's going to be done with high school, and she wants to be with me, and I've been waiting so long.   
So long.   
I thought my heart would pound out of my chest that night. My throat was dry enough to crack open, and I could hardly catch my breath, but when it came time to do it I just… well it felt so _right_. It just came out. And she said yes.

She said yes. To me.

She's putting up with all the speculation and rumors over at the school, because she wants to be with me. She cracks jokes about it, but I know it hurts her at least a little bit. But she says that she wouldn't change it, because she wants to be with me.

I can't tell you how that makes me feel. Delirious?   
Yes, out of happiness.  
Guilty?   
Yes, because she's going through this and all I can think of is how incredibly sexy it is that she's standing up for what she wants. Because what she wants is me.

God… I'm so going to hell.

It's almost worse, knowing that she will marry me. Knowing that she will be mine. Knowing that I will be able to be with her, and I'll be able to take her into my bed. Knowing that she feels the same way that I do… She brought it up on Valentines day.

I've been trying to tell myself that the waiting will make it that much better. I'm trying to tell her that too. Trying to hold off kissing works, until I give in and really kiss her. Yes, it's so much better when it's built up like that, but then that one kiss destroys my resolve because all I want is more. And she calls me the king of waiting. She has no idea. No idea at all.

She's taken to calling it "the limits" when we get to the point where my conscience is screaming loud enough that I have to stop. It's like a migraine, but I can't quit going back for more. God, I can't stop touching her. It's driving both of us crazy, but we can't stop. Even if I spend the entire time listening to that screaming and go home to puke from the pain of it… I have to do it. I can't stop.

She hates Sam for it. I understand why he did it, but I have to agree with her.


	11. Desire

Desire.

Even the word is sensual. Try saying it – really saying it. The way you hold your mouth to make it come out… _desire_… it feels like a kiss.

She's finished with school now. In between the work she's had for her classes and the wedding planning, there hasn't been much time for us to just be together. There's always some sort of thing that we have to do. It's probably a good thing. It's helped me focus on something else. Something that is not all about me wanting Claire.

You'd think it would be easier to deal with as we're getting closer to October 1st – the day we've picked for our wedding. It's not. Not really. There's not as much for me to do, other than offer my opinions on food and admire her as she shops. She picked out a wedding dress but I'm not allowed to see. It drives me crazy, especially when she teases me, telling me that I will love it. Of course I'll love it. She could be wearing a paper sack and I would love it.

I enlisted Brandon's help to make her a prom. Both she and Sharon would be missing out on that particular rite of passage, and I knew she would love to go if things had worked out that way. I can't fault her for her current plan. It means I get her a year earlier than I would, and I'm grateful for that. I don't know how I'd manage to survive another year if I had to wait.

She loved it. I loved watching her. She was so beautiful that night. I loved touching her and dancing with her, listening to her laugh. Being with her. Everything about her. Which leads me back to desire.

I didn't plan it. If I'd had time to think about it that night, I wouldn't have done it. I couldn't have. But it just happened. Desire… it took over.

I was on patrol. I always go by her house when I'm on patrol, just to check through the window to see her sleeping. To see her safe and comfortable. It eases my mind.

When she wasn't in her bed, I panicked. It didn't occur to me that maybe she had gotten up to go to the bathroom. She simply wasn't there, and I lost any sense of rational thought when I saw her empty bed. Fear was driving me as I phased right there by her window and barely stopped to yank on my shorts before I was through her window.

I found her standing in the kitchen. Relief hit me so hard I had to stop and clutch my chest, and I could only stand there looking at her for a moment, just absorbing her.

She wasn't wearing much because of the heat. She was standing there in front of the fridge, peering in and biting her lip as she looked for something. The only light in the room was coming from the open door, and I could see her long runner's legs that went on for miles, one slightly cocked in front of the other one so I could see the definition of her muscles… and the side of her breast through the arm hole of her tank top… and her lips… her full sweet lips as she stood there biting on them while she searched the fridge for whatever it was she was looking for.

I lost control. _Oh did I lose it. _And even knowing what I know now… even with rational thought, I would do it again. Oh yes, I would do it again in an instant.

I ran to her kissed her. She knew it was me right away, and whispered my name before she kissed me. And I kissed her like I never had before. Desire was driving the world and I was hanging on for dear life as I pushed her onto her table and touched her. She filled my senses and my mind. I heard my conscience screaming but it didn't stop me. I swore against the pain even as I caressed her body and breathed her in. My Claire.

Her legs wrapped around my waist, and she pressed up against me. _Oh God, if I wasn't going to hell before I surely am now._ She was heaven, and I was in hell at the same time. Tiny, insignificant scraps of fabric were all that stood between me and her, and I lifted her, pressing her against me more, so I could take her to her bed.

The pain was beyond anything I'd ever felt, but I didn't care. I had Claire. She was everything I could have imagined and more. Her skin was so soft and sweet, and her voice as she quietly moaned was melting my insides and removing any inclination I had to stop what I was doing. I couldn't stop. I had the world there in my arms, touching me as I was touching her, and I couldn't let it go.

Lightening seared across my vision as it was doing in the sky outside. It threw me off of her as I realized I couldn't see anymore. I sat there on her floor, breathing hard and pressing the heels of my hand into my eyes, hoping I hadn't blinded myself permanently, barely caring about the pain because all I wanted was to go back to her. To touch her more. To finish what we had so desperately started. But I couldn't, and we both knew that.

She brought me back to my senses a little when she asked in a quivering voice if we could kill Sam. God, I love her. I kissed her quickly and left, knowing I couldn't handle any more. Claire can't know what the pain does to me.

They knew, of course they knew when my last thought had been "No, Claire," before I phased. Embry and Jacob were waiting for me and caught me as I began to fall. They got me away from there before my stomach reversed. Before I passed out, Jacob asked me if it was worth it. Was it? Oh yes.

Yes it was. She's worth everything.


	12. Finally

_Finally, your last installment for this particular piece is done. I hope you've enjoyed it. I've really had fun playing with Quil. He's such a wonderful guy to hang around with.  
I've been asked if I will do a second chapter of__** Heat**__ in his POV. I probably will. After he's been wanting her for so long, it almost feels like a disservice to him if I don't._

_But anyway, thanks for all of your patience, your reviews and private messages, and the general love that you sent my way. I appreciate it more than you could ever know._

_-Alice laughed_

* * *

I'm getting married tonight. 

After all of this time, I'm getting married. To Claire. The one person on this planet who was made for me as much as I was made for her. Claire, with her long dark hair and her silky skin. Claire. I've loved her for so long, it's impossible to believe that finally, tonight, she will be mine. It's been forever. More than forever.

If you look at a calendar, it says that it's been about 16 years since that day I saw her. The calendar lies. Nearly 16 years. Nearly the amount of time I spent before I had my transformation to this life as a werewolf. Half of my life. You can't track that sort of time in terms of days or years. Factor in the desperation, the agony, the intensity of wanting... you get something closer to eternity really.

Not that I spent all of that time longing for her. It's only been the past 6 years that I've really been waiting for this particular moment in time. Since I realized that she would be a woman. A lovely, soft, beautiful, enticing... and there I go again. She's taken to calling me the Perp. She has no idea how right she is. I should probably be jailed for the thoughts I have. _God, I want her._

And then there's that basket. That awful, wonderful basket full of things that her mother gave her during that bridal shower. We spent the day moving Embry's things from my house while Claire had her party, and when I went to get her and found her with that basket of... well that basket of sex! at her feet... she told me to run. And I ran. I had absolutely no control at that moment. I nearly lost my mind when I came in and saw her holding that bottle of oil in one hand and that flimsy piece of lingerie in the other. That basket is in the trunk of my car. Oh yes it is.

You should see her reaction when I run my fingers through her hair. She closes her eyes and bites on her lip - it's so sinfully sexy I can't help myself. I have to do it, and she scolds me, saying I know what that does to her. I know what it does to me. Yes I know, and I can't help myself. I can't wait to do that tonight.

It's a kind of torture to remember those moments we've been spending on my couch, Claire on my lap, moving so slowly it's like we're underwater. My head has been hurting pretty much constantly since that night in her house. That brief taste of Claire, of what it could be, of all we could be... it only made me want more.

We tried to be apart, but it wasn't good for either of us. We had to be together, joking, calling each other nicknames that made everyone around us pretty uncomfortable, muddling through these last few days as best as we could, wanting the entire time. I've spent my whole life trying to get to this moment.

We will stand in front of everyone at the edge of reality and pledge ourselves to each other. I haven't seen her dress, but I know how she'll look. I know I won't be able to take my eyes off her, how the firelight will wash over her skin and hair, how her eyes will be dark pools for me to drown in. And then I will take her away, to a place where we are the only two people in the world.

It makes me tremble to think about it. I'm afraid that I will wake up and it will all be a dream, that I'll wake up and realize that I need to go babysit a 2 year old Claire. I could never go back to that. Not after all of this.

In a matter of hours we will be together, the waiting will be over, and I will be whole. I will have my Claire. I will have peace.

Finally.


End file.
